Starting Over

I updated my Facebook page today - and the words came spewing from my fingers as if they weren't quite linked to my brain although somehow, it all came out so true and so to the point. The last paragraph the I wrote in my "About Me" section (Do you ever feel like your writing a personal add in that section?) was as follows ...

"I dance to the beat of my own drum - and dancing is what I live for. Music is what keeps me breathing when I feel like the air is too thin to hold. When my world caves in from all of the "caring what people think", I just pop in my iPod and I'm calm. I'm grounded - back to remembering who I am."


I find it to be comforting that music is my lifeblood. I've can sit and talk for hours about the beat of a drum or the pluck of a guitar. It's nice to feel accepted, if only by the power of Google, to be completely free in feeling what I feel. To know that if music stopped existing, it would be normal that I then, would simply cease to exist.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into my thoughts and should really try listening to some music to ground me, don't you think?



So, Yellowcard obsession aside, lets take a stab at All Time Low today, shall we? In keeping with the theme of feeling what I feel, I'm quite taken by the song "Guts" on the album Dirty Work. You leave high school feeling like you're such a grown up and instantly life is at your door step, waiting to hand you everything you've ever wanted. That the feelings of caring what everyone thinks, and the hushed whispers behind your back will end. Yeah, right.

For me, my life spiraled out of control. I lost so much that nothing made sense - the sky wasn't blue, the grass wasn't green - everything was grey. I found myself clinging to anything to keep me whole - to ground me to the Earth so I could just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Not the right path for me. Learned that one the hard way.

I found what I thought, at the time, was the best group of friends I'd ever found. They were my saviors. Little did I know that my impressionable nature would be their play toy. I had no idea the mind-fuck that was coming down the line.

I can recall sitting in their presence, their judging eyes berating me to feel no more than a foot tall. I was so angry - harboring feelings of guilt and anger and hatred, but at myself, because these "friends" told me that was what I was supposed to feel. That I had been the cause of my own misery.

Sitting me down and telling me that the life I was leading was a path of destruction and I was a bad person for enjoying myself months out of a divorce. Trying to get my true friends to stage an "intervention". I wasn't an alcoholic, I wasn't doing drugs or even smoking cigarettes. I was getting back out there - divorced at 23 and having a good time, like a 23 year old does. I was simply angry - and hurt and ashamed. I sat by and let them tell me that I was no good - and I believed them.

As the song says, I picked a new direction. I am finding out that I've got the guts to say anything - I'm giving up my reputation. Finally, I can see, honestly I've got the guts to say anything.

I'm finally over caring what anyone thinks. It's taken me almost 30 years but I'm done.

I've never said out loud the pain that I've felt all these years. Those friends that I still have - the real people in my life only knew a portion of what I felt - what I feel. I've let my impressionable nature take hold on many occasions, with more people since then, but no more. I've let go of those people that hurt me too much. Those who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones. I've got the guts to say anything - and right now, I want to make a stand and say, out loud, I AM STRONGER THAN ANY  OF YOU EVER GAVE ME CREDIT FOR!

Sing For Me

So, on 10/13 I went the see Yellowcard at The Complex. It's been a five year stint with them MIA and finally they are back in town!

I hadn't yet purchased their newest album When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes so I was given the pleasure of hearing it for the first time live. I must say, there's nothing better than hearing the stories behind the songs before you've even heard them. It gives such a new feeling to the music all together. I went above loving their way of pulling me into every beat and lyric to becoming completely infatuated.

As far as I'm concerned, Yellowcard is one of the most underated bands I've known in my lifetime. With each album that comes out I feel that they've seen my soul, found the words I've been desperately searching for to define my life and they put them to music. This band has written the soundtrack to my life.

They sang a new song called Sing For Me. I was standing in the back of room (I'm so short I couldn't see when I tried to get up close - it was all sweaty heads and shoulder blades) and when Ryan Key told the story of his aunt Stephanie having brain cancer and being the driving force behind him making his dreams come true, my eyes filled with tears that started streaming down face when he said that the song was for everyone that's in or has been in the same situation.

He said that he wanted those that knew the song to sing it so loud that she could hear it, all the way in Florida. I didn't know the song yet - I bought the album at the show - but now that I do, I sing it for her everyday. I sing it for my dad everyday. I sing it for me ... everyday.

For those of you who don't know, my dad passed away almost 10 years ago after a short but valiant stint with stomach cancer. The pain never goes away and sometimes finding the words to say what you feel can be hard to find. With this song, Ryan Key mananged to do this with every single emotion I feel inside of me.

The beauty and the simplicity of the song are emaculate. The heart and pain comes soaring through the music like a hot knife cutting through butter. You can almost feel his heart breaking and the love that he and his aunt share. Never in my life have I seen a musician be so vulnerable to a crowd of 1,000+ people as I did that night. Five long years of being gone and having the ability to open up so whole heartedly was an inspiration.

The words come out like a long conversation of love and understanding. Sing For Me puts all the right words in all the right places - "Out of time, all out of fight. You are the only thing in life that I got right." A punk rock band making the hearts of everyone break from the most beautiful sound on the planet is undefinable.

Having struggled with the loss of my dad for so long and finally hearing the right words, I've decided to choreograph a dance as a tribute to not only my dad, but for Yellowcard and Ryan and his aunt Stephanie - as well as everyone else out there that has lost someone - the driving force behind who they are. Singing and playing music is the release for Yellowcard - dancing is mine. I will combine the two - music and movement will become one for the souls that we've lost, are losing, love and miss.

Until then ...

It's Been Awhile ...

I set out to make this a regular, weekly process and fell off the wagon after one post. Seriously ... that's ridic. After  a lovely night out with my friends, I realized that I need to keep going - there is no one in the world that can sit and listen to me talk for hours about a song, except maybe Derek but we both have lives to lead and money to make which prohibits us from living the life I desperately seek of listening to music and choreographing dances all day every day until the end. That being said, this is my release.

I've been given some songs to listen to that I have yet to hear -"Awake My Soul" by Mumford and Sons, "14 Days (Acoustic)" by Arkitekt and "Porn Star Dancing" by My Darkest Days . The excitement is building just typing the words! I also have some sick choreography to burn out by Wednesday to "There It Go" by Juelz Santana for Cadence Dance Co. This should make for some interesting - possibly epic writing. If anyone decides to follow this out there in cyberspace, send your "requests" for critique my way. Thanks dolls!!

Step Up ...

Now, I'm a hip-hop dancer by the style of dance I choose to practice however I tend to pull more towards pop music rather than rap or hip-hop by definition. I also dabble a little in the areas of burlesque and cabaret and I enjoy mixing these all at my leisure. I'm more of a tattooed, edgy rocker with a hint of Abercrombie & Fitch type of girl so the idea of rap or hip-hop pumping from my car stereo might seem to be a bit of a stretch unless it's "trendy" at the moment. However, being the prodigy of music that I claim myself to be I refuse to limit myself to one stereotype simply by my appearance.

I've recently been listening to the "Step Up 3D" Soundtrack and I am thoroughly enamored by this album. The music moves my body with no inhibitions. I find myself sitting at my desk, working away and moving around with not a care in the world. When those beats hit my eardrums it's as if nothing in the world matters anymore - as Britney would say "...the dance floor is my stage" although in this case it's simply my little shared cubicle with a ringing phone and humming computer.

The thing that titilates me the most about soundtracks is the variety that you find among the artists. There is always a strong sense of unity but you find things you would rarely hear on the radio and they generally tend to be some of the best songs possibly ever created.

I originally bought the album because one, I loved the movie and two, I couldn't get enough of "Club Can't Handle Me" by Flo Rida' and the radio just simply wasn't doing it justice. Whenever it would come on I would blast my radio to the very limits and I would dance around eargerly and violently from the constriction of my seatbelt. I'm sure passersby thought I was possibly having a seziure at least once or twice due to the sheer insanity of my excitement.


The one song right now in particular that has stuck itself in my head and simply won't let me rest is "Move (If You Wanna)" by MIMS. Incredible - simply incredible. When it starts the choreography plays itself out in my mind like a movie. The bass hits and my rib cage pulses with abandon and I'm being pulled in all directions by the bass. The words and the difficult yet simplistic beats put me in a comfort zone - body totally loose and hard hitting at the same time. I stay low in my movements (thank you Mo) and keep my feet heavy with every step while the rest of my body is light until the end of the beat when every hit is as sharp as a knife. My walk is "gangsta" - a bit of a swagger if you will. I feel sexy yet raw at the same time. My face isn't teasing as if it were burlesque - more "don't mess with me or I'll knock you out" with a hint of play ...

I can't wait to start putting down my feelings on the rest of this album!!