I updated my Facebook page today - and the words came spewing from my fingers as if they weren't quite linked to my brain although somehow, it all came out so true and so to the point. The last paragraph the I wrote in my "About Me" section (Do you ever feel like your writing a personal add in that section?) was as follows ...
"I dance to the beat of my own drum - and dancing is what I live for. Music is what keeps me breathing when I feel like the air is too thin to hold. When my world caves in from all of the "caring what people think", I just pop in my iPod and I'm calm. I'm grounded - back to remembering who I am."
I find it to be comforting that music is my lifeblood. I've can sit and talk for hours about the beat of a drum or the pluck of a guitar. It's nice to feel accepted, if only by the power of Google, to be completely free in feeling what I feel. To know that if music stopped existing, it would be normal that I then, would simply cease to exist.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into my thoughts and should really try listening to some music to ground me, don't you think?
So, Yellowcard obsession aside, lets take a stab at All Time Low today, shall we? In keeping with the theme of feeling what I feel, I'm quite taken by the song "Guts" on the album Dirty Work. You leave high school feeling like you're such a grown up and instantly life is at your door step, waiting to hand you everything you've ever wanted. That the feelings of caring what everyone thinks, and the hushed whispers behind your back will end. Yeah, right.
For me, my life spiraled out of control. I lost so much that nothing made sense - the sky wasn't blue, the grass wasn't green - everything was grey. I found myself clinging to anything to keep me whole - to ground me to the Earth so I could just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Not the right path for me. Learned that one the hard way.
I found what I thought, at the time, was the best group of friends I'd ever found. They were my saviors. Little did I know that my impressionable nature would be their play toy. I had no idea the mind-fuck that was coming down the line.
I can recall sitting in their presence, their judging eyes berating me to feel no more than a foot tall. I was so angry - harboring feelings of guilt and anger and hatred, but at myself, because these "friends" told me that was what I was supposed to feel. That I had been the cause of my own misery.
Sitting me down and telling me that the life I was leading was a path of destruction and I was a bad person for enjoying myself months out of a divorce. Trying to get my true friends to stage an "intervention". I wasn't an alcoholic, I wasn't doing drugs or even smoking cigarettes. I was getting back out there - divorced at 23 and having a good time, like a 23 year old does. I was simply angry - and hurt and ashamed. I sat by and let them tell me that I was no good - and I believed them.
As the song says, I picked a new direction. I am finding out that I've got the guts to say anything - I'm giving up my reputation. Finally, I can see, honestly I've got the guts to say anything.
I'm finally over caring what anyone thinks. It's taken me almost 30 years but I'm done.
I've never said out loud the pain that I've felt all these years. Those friends that I still have - the real people in my life only knew a portion of what I felt - what I feel. I've let my impressionable nature take hold on many occasions, with more people since then, but no more. I've let go of those people that hurt me too much. Those who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones. I've got the guts to say anything - and right now, I want to make a stand and say, out loud, I AM STRONGER THAN ANY OF YOU EVER GAVE ME CREDIT FOR!
